January 2012 Archives - Chaos Appreciation

It should have been a great day….

January 31, 2012 By TheTadey 2 Comments

And when I’m done being exhausted, and itchy, and panicky because I never made it grocery shopping and I am not even remotely packed for our trip… THEN… then I will think back and try to focus on the good parts of today.

11:00 AM – Departed the house with 10yo headed to the Doctor’s office to have my rash evaluated. Expecting it to just be a bad case of eczema but want to be sure. I haven’t eaten anything yet… and now I’m queasy. Hoping I can get something on the way there.

11:30 AM – STILL sitting at the gas station, waiting for a guy to move up 6 inches so I can reach the pump. Trying not to act as impatient as I feel because I know DD is watching. So much for getting food on the way. Must go straight to doc’s office.

11:50 AM – Arrive at Doc’s office and get signed in. Appointment is at 12. Paid copay and took a seat. Overheard other’s mumbling that they are running late. Took out a notepad and helped DD write a funny poem to pass the time……

12: 45 PM – Finally taken to be weighed and measured. Choked back tears at my weight. Explained to the nurse what was going on. Blood Pressure good. 120/70, or something like that. Answer a bajillion questions from DD (is it 1? are we going to be late? when will he get in here? what if he never shows up? )

1 PM – Exit the room, head to front desk. Inform them that I will be back, but DD has an appointment that can NOT be missed. Run to the car, drive through Burger King, choke down a cheeseburger, ride the break to make sure I don’t break the speed limit only to arrive 15 minutes early for our 1:30 appointment.

2:02 PM – Finally get called back to our appointment, where I am informed that most likely my daughter is “high functioning on the spectrum” because let’s not use the real words in front of the kid, and while listening to her read “My Kitty Catsberger” to my kid I’m lost between feeling relieved that a professional just confirmed that I DID have valid reasons for being concerned and that maybe…just maybe… her behavior isn’t just because I’m a crappy parent and feeling anxious over all the “you just want her to have Aspergers” comments and the “you don’t have a REAL diagnosis yet” comments I’m going to get because heaven forbid my friends and family just be supportive. The story ends and I hear her telling me how my daughter would do better in a big 30 kid classroom with a regular teacher who can’t focus on her so much …forcing my kid to figure things out on her own… WHAT THE????

3:40 PM – Leave the office, after purchasing 1-2-3 Magic, and rush back to doctor’s office to sit in the hopes of still being seen.

3:50 PM – DD is not completely bored with the day, thirsty, and hot. How long is this going to take? Why was he late to start with mom? I’m thirsty mom. My doctor has a water fountain why doesn’t your daughter have a water fountain? What’s taking your doctor so long? This magazine is boring! Mom, I’m thirsty, what do I do???????

4:25 PM – Called back to a room. I remind them I’ve been weighed already. We’re left in a room with a space heater in it. We’re in sun dresses. Melting.

4:40 PM – I open the door to let in some cool air. Nurse comes to find out what’s wrong, unplugs the heater, and assures me that he will be there any.minute. I remind her that I have to be 5 blocks down the road at 5 PM and I can.not.be.late.

4:50 PM – Doc shows up, informs me I’m having an allergic reaction to fleece pants. Prescribes me Prednisone, Atarax, and a concoction of Zantac, Zyrtec and Benadryl…. oh… and some fungal cream just in case he’s wrong.

4:57 PM – Run out of his office.

5:02 PM – Settle DD down on the couch outside counselor’s door with her coloring pad and pencils. Run in the office, shut the door, plop on the couch and commence crying.

It’s now 8:44 PM. I’ve sent hubby to bed since he’s driving tomorrow. I’ll keep the kids up as long as possible in hopes they will sleep on the drive. I have to pack for six people for five days. I have to remember our meds, pack Christmas gifts that were never mailed, make a grocery list, pack a cooler, pay the bills, check email, clean the kitchen, juggle kids, break up fights, and…and…and..stay awake.

I can’t focus.

I want to research.

I want to reach out for help.

I don’t want to be asked what her credentials were, or quizzed on “wasn’t this the first time she saw DD???”.

Not to jump the gun, but this isn’t the first time this possibility has been presented to us. Just the first time anyone took me seriously. This time it was someone else’s idea. Someone else saw what I saw.

I guess I’ll go find my cotton skirts to pack, and some non fleece pants, and some coffee.

Love and Blessings, The Tadey

Filed Under: Dear Diary, The Chaos Makers Tagged With: illness, stress, The Spectrum Word 2 Comments

When I talk myself into circles…

January 30, 2012 By TheTadey 4 Comments

I’m heading to South Carolina soon. My youngest sister delivered her first child last week and I am going to go spend a couple days ~~hogging~~ ~~squishing~~ loving on the baby and helping the new mom.

I almost backed out of the entire trip last week.

I wanted to cancel the hotel reservations.

It’s not like she needed me or anything; so why go and get in her way?

But I want to go so very badly. Not just for her but to see my other sister as well, and my dad and step mom. The kids are going too and they want to see everyone.

I want to be there to answer questions for her. I want to reassure her that just because the doctor says “Do A” that most of the time B, C or D will work just fine if A isn’t working for her and not to feel pressured to do it “their” way. I want to remind her that having a bad day of nursing doesn’t make you a failure at it. I want to reassure her that her “mothering instincts” are there and that already SHE knows her baby better than anyone else.

I wanted to that for my best friend too. Over 8 years ago, when she had her first baby after I had mine. I wanted to “be there” for my cousins and other siblings as they began having their kids.

No one wanted my advice. No one called. I wasn’t even asked to help babysit, or fix a meal. I didn’t want to be one of those moms who offer up unsolicited advice. I didn’t want to be like the them and make anyone feel pressured to do things my way. So I stayed quiet. I bit my tongue. I waited to be asked but never was.

Maybe my advice isn’t that good. Maybe they see my kids and think “wow, she really screwed them up good”. Maybe my little sister would rather get advice from her sister in law.

I’m going though, and I’ll show up and hold the baby and act like a guest instead of a take charge Aunt who comes in and insists the momma take a nap while I hold the baby and fix some supper. I’ll be less than who I am because I’m afraid of being too much, too pushy, too opinionated… because it’s those too pushy and opinionated people who make being a new mommy so tough.

I’ll regret my visit, my sister will get less of me, and I’ll end up crying.

I’m going to do the same thing when I see my other sister. I’ll be meeting her more-than-likely-soon-to-be-step-daughter and I’ll hold back. I’ll want to hug her and tell her how much I already love her (because that’s how I roll) and I’ll want to show her sewing tricks (she’s learning to sew on her own) and offer to be the coolest aunt EVER….but I won’t. I’ll be shy, and silly, and come of like a total dork because I don’t want to scare off this precious teenage girl.

I will be less than who I am, because I’m afraid that deep down I really am like all those others that make me feel bad about myself or make me wish I could avoid them. That’s horrible. Feeling that way is horrible. Thinking that about others is horrible. Believing that deep down under all the jokes and pink hair is really a snooty “B-word” who thinks her way really is the best way.

But, really, if I didn’t think – deeeeep down - that my way was the best way then wouldn’t I be doing it differently?

Love and Blessings, The Tadey

Filed Under: Dear Diary, Life and Laundry, Random and Odd Tagged With: ramblings, random thoughts, talking in circles, the b-word 4 Comments