I’m heading to South Carolina soon. My youngest sister delivered her first child last week and I am going to go spend a couple days hogging squishing loving on the baby and helping the new mom.
I almost backed out of the entire trip last week.
I wanted to cancel the hotel reservations.
It’s not like she needed me or anything; so why go and get in her way?
But I want to go so very badly. Not just for her but to see my other sister as well, and my dad and step mom. The kids are going too and they want to see everyone.
I want to be there to answer questions for her. I want to reassure her that just because the doctor says “Do A” that most of the time B, C or D will work just fine if A isn’t working for her and not to feel pressured to do it “their” way. I want to remind her that having a bad day of nursing doesn’t make you a failure at it. I want to reassure her that her “mothering instincts” are there and that already SHE knows her baby better than anyone else.
I wanted to that for my best friend too. Over 8 years ago, when she had her first baby after I had mine. I wanted to “be there” for my cousins and other siblings as they began having their kids.
No one wanted my advice. No one called. I wasn’t even asked to help babysit, or fix a meal. I didn’t want to be one of those moms who offer up unsolicited advice. I didn’t want to be like the them and make anyone feel pressured to do things my way. So I stayed quiet. I bit my tongue. I waited to be asked but never was.
Maybe my advice isn’t that good. Maybe they see my kids and think “wow, she really screwed them up good”. Maybe my little sister would rather get advice from her sister in law.
I’m going though, and I’ll show up and hold the baby and act like a guest instead of a take charge Aunt who comes in and insists the momma take a nap while I hold the baby and fix some supper. I’ll be less than who I am because I’m afraid of being too much, too pushy, too opinionated… because it’s those too pushy and opinionated people who make being a new mommy so tough.
I’ll regret my visit, my sister will get less of me, and I’ll end up crying.
I’m going to do the same thing when I see my other sister. I’ll be meeting her more-than-likely-soon-to-be-step-daughter and I’ll hold back. I’ll want to hug her and tell her how much I already love her (because that’s how I roll) and I’ll want to show her sewing tricks (she’s learning to sew on her own) and offer to be the coolest aunt EVER….but I won’t. I’ll be shy, and silly, and come of like a total dork because I don’t want to scare off this precious teenage girl.
I will be less than who I am, because I’m afraid that deep down I really am like all those others that make me feel bad about myself or make me wish I could avoid them. That’s horrible. Feeling that way is horrible. Thinking that about others is horrible. Believing that deep down under all the jokes and pink hair is really a snooty “B-word” who thinks her way really is the best way.
But, really, if I didn’t think – deeeeep down - that my way was the best way then wouldn’t I be doing it differently?
